We do not know what the future holds. Sitting apprehensively, pondering what our days will hold. Frustrated with the hospital that called with an unclear message that a blood culture is positive. They don’t know what it means to us to find out. It is the difference of going home and staying, possibly staying weeks. It is the difference of getting through something and deciding to adapt, to make a way to live here away from home.
We will have to wait and see. What does the future hold? It is uncertain. But it never was guaranteed. We take it for granted that we will know what will happen until something throws us off the rails, until God laughs at our plans. He does have something better for us. It is just that simple matter of what is actually good? Is not it better that I love my family, that I love my home, that I take nothing for granted? That sitting a table with my husband feels like a date again?
Each room has a familiar scene. I have seen these views before. Yesterday it was the patio and the other windows. Today it is the park. In the past Family House was my peace. Now it is the park. That park with its fragrant butterfly attracting flowers. They say the path forms a butterfly wing, but I am not so sure. Whenever I walk through I make sure to walk around the park as my daughter requested each time we went during the week she was here.
Anticipation hangs on my heart like the fog. What will happen? How long will we be here? How will we manage? Plans start to run through my mind but it is too much to think about. Better to wait and see. I will look out the window at the park, remember the smell of the flowers, and how is makes up for all the other smells of the city.
The sun will come out in the afternoon. Then we will know more. I will go out to the park, sit among the flowers, read Don Quixote and adapt to the news. Ready to take what comes. The resident who is on today saw me at my worse, in my uncontrollable tears, five months ago. The night before I went out for my first walk, my first escape. The sun will come out in the afternoon. I will watch the movie now. I do not have think about it now. It is time for the baby to play.