Eventually, you wake up and things are brighter. And while the trigger was my family leaving, the resolution seems to be time and acceptance to gain my strength back. And then we move forward. They are the “gone days,” the “dark days” and they happen, because we cannot be strong all the time. Yet the sun came out today. I have rested, read, shifted focused to an agreement with my husband that we will trade places this weekend and my professional commitments. None of this made the darkness go away, it went away with tears and the morning, allowing that part of me to breathe, accepting it. We cannot give into the dark thoughts, but it is okay to acknowledge they are there.
Today baby was better, awake, alert, playful, a perfect predictable, sitting-up infant.
What does it take to be at peace? Very little. There are not requirements, special circumstances. Some things help. The flowers from the Farmer’s Market help, but they are not a necessity. Nevertheless, I appreciate the spark of joy.
In the end, what do we have? We can lose everything. What we have left is God. We have to find a way to make that enough. It does not mean I literally hate the things in my life, the people in my life, but that I am detached, that when they are absent I can survive. It does not feel good, but I will live through it. I am not alone.
