How virtuous do you think you are? Considering how specific virtues look

Today let’s talk more concretely about specific virtues (from Peterson and Seligman).

Take a moment and think about each of these life areas. You can go online to https://www.viacharacter.org/survey/account/register to take a survey measuring each of the virtues or just reflect on it personally as you sit with your morning coffee.

This is a Goldilocks test: you might find yourself too hot in one area (too much), too cold in another (too little) or just right. It’s a life process to get it just right in all areas. Getting it right means the right amount, at the particular time, for the particular person. Acting virtuously also means doing whatever we’re doing in the best possible way…

Read more at Coachingthegoodlife.org

Straight down the middle

Long shot photograph of a country road

Finding out how to find virtue

Conversations outside of parenting lectures and religious sermons usually don’t take the turn of one person telling another “grow in virtue” but as we talked about the previous column, “Character Counts,” they could. Want to get the most out of life? Want to fulfill your potential? Want to find happiness? Virtue is the way: a consistent, habitual way of acting that directs you towards what is good.

Read more at Coachingthegoodlife.org.

Office Remodel: the original, the plan, and the ingredients

The future home of The Good Life – Life Coaching, as I found her:

IMG_7493A 6×13 building.

IMG_7494Vandalized over two years ago.

IMG_7484Asphalt in need of repair.

IMG_7497Under a metal canopy. She used to be a carwash.

IMG_7498But thanks to the generosity of the owner. The price is right. I know I can make her work. This is that opportunity I’ve been longing for to use all the knowledge I gained after we wasted all that newlywed money at Bed Bath and Beyond.

The office has a bathroom with an outside entrance. The recycling company used it for storage.

White with lots of dark spots, a filthy floor and toilet…

IMG_7485A really gross toilet buried under all that.

IMG_7486And a sink that is falling off and also just really needed to be removed.

IMG_7487The rusted white electrical box stands out as the primary visual of the space.

IMG_7488The office itself is a sort of robin’s egg blue, but much darker, reminding me of Miss Mustard Seed’s Kitchen Scale, which is a lovely color, but not for this space.IMG_7492Previous tenants cut a hole into the cement walls for the air conditioner. The back of the air conditioner goes into the bathroom. If you don’t already know, these types or air conditioners are called “window air conditioners.”

IMG_7491The trim around the exterior door is the same blue.

At the time I could not open the door because of the barrels of beer bottles (I know, they should really be on the wall).

When we cleaned it out, I was too excited to remember to take pictures.

So the plan?

  1. Paint over blue paint with Colonnade Gray, my go-to neutral.
  2. Rip out toilet and sink.
  3. Paint over white bathroom with a cedar-grassy green.
  4. Make curtains.
  5. Put in beautiful furniture in light blues with neutral rug, using sewing table as desk.
  6. Hang curtains.
  7. Install ceiling fan.
  8. Make frames for art prints.
  9. Hang art prints.
  10. Hang book shelf.
  11. Replace floor in the bathroom.
  12. Install new fixtures.
  13. Create awesome light fixture for bathroom.
  14. Begin business.

Some of the ingredients:

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IMG_7396  the good life logo                 IMG_7502     IMG_7508  IMG_7511 IMG_7512

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IMG_7539Conduit curtain rods…economic, modern-industrial. We were doing it before it was a thing.

A pedestal sink and toilet from Craigslist for $50.

The progress:

The painting and furniture gave the space an incredible feel. The curtains are hung in the office, but I’m a bit uncertain of their effect on the space. Naturally there is less light, and they make the room feel smaller, a dangerous thing for a 6x 13 space.

There were adventures in painting, especially since I used old paint from three years ago, improperly sealed. But it worked and the interior is nearly done.

Melaleuca’s Clean Power and a wire brush scrubbed the blue paint off the tile. She’ll carefully paint over the grout around the edges with Colonnade Gray because it is, at the moment, Kitchen Scale Blue.

Once my signs arrive I’ll apply a frosted window film to the front door to protect client confidentiality.

More photos to come…

 

 

The Good life – Part 2

Until I began this venture, I knew very little about running a small business. I’m no master at it now, but I’ve learned a lot. I wanted my business to be in Hughson so I could go in for a client session and then come home. I found out in the process that Hughson has a lot of support in place to help small business development. So I have not felt alone or lost in the process.

The office is picked out. The drawback of being in a small town is fewer options. But this one is a goldmine, I believe. It’s small, but the price is right, and I get to make it over, which would not be possible were I renting from someone else or part of a larger office building.

The plans must be economical. For years now I’ve lamented not knowing what I know now when I first set up a home for my husband and myself. When I think of the wedding money we wasted shopping at Bed Bath and Beyond with Ikea was so close! I know better now and I really get to put it to use.

If you’re going to meet with clients in a therapeutic setting (although this won’t be therapy, the environment must be similar to build rapport and trust), you’re going to need furniture. Folding chairs just won’t cut it.

I have extra furniture.

DIGITAL CAMERA

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IMG_4248Home Fabrics and Rugs had a sale.

Viola!

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IMG_7392I didn’t get my corners just right and the chair looks so different to me with a solid fabric, but it’s still comfortable, which matters.

IMG_7396There is something to beautiful, nostalgic and romantic about old furniture. Apparently I have always felt this way. When I first upholstered the loveseat, I used the original nails, as a way of preserving the past.

That made it so easy to rip off the old fabric and add on something new, with staples this time.

The tufting on the loveseat did not go as desired, unfortunately, but I’m willing to live with it for now, or work with it, as the case may be. When I re-do it, I’ll put in new materials.

Other than the tufting, I’m very pleased with how it turned out.

IMG_7508I threw a pillow together for added comfort.

IMG_7510I also purchased a mirror for $30 for over the office bathroom sink. It’s shabby chic, so I plan to paint it to make it vintage chic. I don’t need shabby chic drawing out the shabby of the space. We need to elevate here!

I’m actually considering gold leafing this antique, rounded corners mirror and painting the bathroom walls a sort of Marsala (the Pantone color of the year) or Merlot. I’ll paint the office walls (now baby blue) in Collonade Gray since I still have left over from the house.

And after a quick stop at the consignment store, I’m in love with another piece of furniture.

IMG_7501A desk chair from the 30’s or 40’s will go with me to the new office. At a $40 steal, this is a beautifully solid and heavy piece, comfortable and in great shape. It’s missing one wheel but that is easy to fix.

Years ago I saw a chair like this at the thrift store and did not look closer. I’ve regretted that. That makes this doubly exciting to me.

More to come!

The Good Life – Part 1

New phase of life.

We got used to the old one, adjusting to three kids, work schedules, stability, so why not venture out into new territory, the unknown, the dreamland?

I have a Masters in Clinical Psychology. It is not possible for me to attend school full time or work full time, and so I’ve felt stuck. What do I do with this incredible education I received (and am still paying for, of course)? How do I use it.

I loved working for the local non-profit agency, Center for Human Services. This is seriously, the most incredible place to work and I owe a great debt to them for making me the professional I am.

But eight hours days were difficult to do. As I’ve done for the past four or so years, I kept considering my options. I emailed a professor for ideas. He suggested I look into life coaching. And so I did…

the good life logoThis October I plan to launch my own life coaching practice. It is called The Good Life because Aristotle taught that whatever we do, we do in a way to advance ourselves towards “the good” towards happiness, towards flourishing. In my work, it is clear that even should steps be misguided or unhealthy, the individuals has a reason for taking them. In order to correct our path to move us towards happiness, excellence, therapy isn’t always necessary. Learning new skills, creating a plan, having the support to brain storm and stick to it, this is all part of life coaching.

I’m taking a virtue approach. To be virtuous is to be disposed to act in the right way at the right time. When we act, we can often go overboard, or do to little. Being virtuous is to operate at a level where there is an understanding of how to discern where the mean is, and act accordingly.

Bittersweet chocolate cake covered in homemade coffee ice cream is a definite good, I would say. If I eat it every night or eat too much, that is not good. If I never in my life enjoy the experience of eating it, I’d say, perhaps, that is not a good thing. Of if I deny it outright because I think is is wrong to eat amazingly delicious things. Can I control myself once I start eating it? Can I allow myself the pleasure of eating just a little. Learning a virtuous approach to cake or anything in our lives, means I have learned to discern for myself what is the right amount and stick to it.

It takes time to learn this. It is difficult to learn it at first, unpleasant even. But because we’re trying to ultimately learn things that are good, that will make us happy, then it eventually becomes sweet to practice virtue, to act in this way.

My practice and philosophy will align well with a Christian worldview, because I believe we have a purpose and that every person is moved by some natural law towards development, towards excellence. But the practice need not be overtly Christian is language or practice. Any client may be considered for life coaching. The client sets the agenda, not I. Other than this understanding of virtue and excellence (conceived by a pagan in pre-Christian times, no less), the floor is totally open, I will not push my beliefs or worldview on the client. The client will do the talking, not I.

More to come on this process…

Target’s change with the changing times: ending “boy toys” and “girl toys”

I’m in favor of Target “de-genderizing” their toy section. Some commentators got out of hand thinking they were putting boy and girl clothes together as well, removing those labels, but that was never true. So let’s focus on just the toys.

I have never liked “girl toys.” What is meant by “girl toys?” If you looked at Target’s aisle, you would know really quickly. It means pink. It means pastels. It means dolls. It means a lot of princess-Disney marketing and it means a lot more pink.

Boy toys? It means blue. It means dark colors. It means action figures and action toys and remote controlled toys.

Girls pretend. Boys control. Ha, sounds like modern dysfunctional relationships.

Some Christian’s object to Target’s decision. Matt Walsh:“Yes, Target, I Do Want My Daughter To Conform To Her Gender”.

I agree that we need to model behavior for children. So for nearly five years now I’ve been really happy to buy pink brooms and pink shopping carts and pink Cuisinart and paint my iron, pink (couldn’t find that one in pink) so that my daughter will know that the fact that all these pretending role playing toys are meant to imitate my life. I’m modeling domesticity for her. Naturally, my things should be pink because I am female and when you mix two X chromosomes you get a pink. I’m fortunate that the birth of my daughter coincided with breast cancer awareness because it’s really easy for me to find lots of pink so I can model good feminine behavior for her.

I also made sure to buy pink high heels and pink fairy dresses for myself.

I got a little carried away there.

I’ve always believed in just buying toys that fit my kids interests. Since my son turns toy guns, sticks, hose faucets, and American flags into guns (my little budding Republican), it’s not hard to figure out he’ll like the Lone Ranger. He can bond with his dad because his dad likes guns and making hose water spray really hard out of diy contraptions. My daughter loves to get fancy so we bought Fancy Nancy books and I buy her headbands that are on sale and jewelry from thrift stores or yard sales.

It pisses me off when a doctor kit comes in pink. What doctor carries a doctor kit? No way, I mean, what doctor uses a pink doctor kit. My kid will be interested in the things she is interested in not because they are pink but because they are interesting and because interesting models of behavior exist in her life.

Medical Care Set
From Target, at least the case is white.

So you know what? I do the sweeping. My son wants to sweep. He has to do it with a pink broom because someone bought a pink broom for my daughter. Oh we’re creating gender confusion! Watch out! Let me get him another gun.

Don’t worry too much about him. He is practicing nurturing with his “baby doggy” rather than a doll. I guess that means we’re on the right path.

I just think that role playing toys are amazing and should as closely reflect the real thing as possible and last more than one child. Melissa and Doug toys are fantastic. Let doctor kits be white and black and whatever other colors doctors like. Let brooms be green or black or wood (I really want a wood indoor broom).

Melissa and Doug doctor kit

Who decided pink was feminine and blue was masculine? It’s an American trend that is not more than a century old.

So go ahead Target. Why not? They’ll look better lying on my living floor if they’re not pink.

Now for the substantial ideas, in a nutshell. To say that pink toys and role playing toys are feminine and feminizing and that dark-colored, action-oriented toys are masculine man-makers is a symptoms of fragmentary complementarity. This is for boys and this is for girls. These are masculine qualities; these are feminine qualities.

What is masculinity and femininity? They are the respective sexes “way of being in the world,” so said Saint Pope John Paul II. They are a way of experiencing the world. Women do not actually wear rose colored glasses so it does not mean that pink toys will help a girl learn to embrace a feminine way of being in the world.

To reduce masculinity and femininity to superficial traits is to totally mis-define what it means to be masculine or feminine. It mislabels individuals who display qualities that don’t fit the Bem Sex Role stereotypes. It makes the powerhouse female saints who are Doctors of the Church to be weird, anomalies, and not feminine.

We should nurture the qualities our children display, whatever they may be. We don’t need pink and blue to do it.

Turning thirty

My, my, there is a part of me that still remembers the woes of being 13, the heartache of being 14, the love of being 16, the excitement of being 18, and the freedom of being 21. Our society marks many of these ages as important milestones. Yet, 30 is presented with a sense of dread. As I will be officially in my thirties tomorrow, without a doubt beyond young adulthood, I thought a short reflection would be in order.

At age 13 I fell in love with God and his Church. I wanted to be a nun. I likewise had a to navigate the terrors of adolescence. Being an artsy, literature oriented, old soul, high school was a place to be tolerated but almost never enjoyed. I served with NET Ministries at 18 and felt the joy of being surrounded by others who wanted to whole-heartedly serve the Lord. At the end of our year we served in the Portland, Oregon diocese and I met others like me, those who have that artsy streak in them that sets them apart, that makes them not cool, but immensely interesting. I found I was not alone. That was a very important time for me.

DIGITAL CAMERASoon after NET I met the man I would marry, also artsy, also an old soul, also desiring to serve the Lord with everything. I was never to be alone in that combination of qualities again. But at 19, everything was passionate and consuming. Such turmoil. Such self-consciousness. Such doubt.

After college, I mellowed somewhat. I worked full time. With the wisdom gained from NET, from a serious relationship, from a long distance relationship, I was no longer interested in deep heart-to-hearts late at night. I wanted to sleep. We could talk in the morning. This was the first time I remember the urgency of adolescence calming down.

My relationship and subsequent marriage boosted my confidence in my looks. I never believed myself to be movie-star beautiful. But I always felt I could look pretty, look good, and my husband loved my looks so much that it wasn’t hard to believe him.

Nevertheless, in Virginia, I began to place a significant value on how I dress, how put together I look, how much I dress to impress. First impressions meant everything. Although I knew that my natural looks mattered less, the extra, artificial stuff appeared to matter more.

Though not a big fan of Colbie Caillet, her song, “Try” hit a chord. Irrationally, I had come to believe that if I didn’t appear a certain way people would not like me.

Now we live in an area where this matters less: Casual California. I maintain a certain value I’ve placed on staying put together because my husband appreciates it and it makes me feel so much better, more awake, more ready for action. Yet I worry less. Those things I worried about all those years, matter less.

I still wonder. I still long for the feedback that I am loveable, liked, good to be around. But there are so many more important things to think about. Do I appreciate my husband? What are the needs of my children? How can I enhance or improve our home? How can I am improve my skills?

I heard this about the thirties. I heard it and its bearing itself out. It helps that we continue to be in a good place in life. We have jobs, healthy children, our priorities are straight. We’re willing to see what we do wrong and willing to try to improve. We have a home and a close relationship to the grandparents of our children. We have all the support possible. There is no ill will (that I know of at least).

It’s not perfect. I still worry and wonder about friendships as they are evolving. We have found our rhythm so that transitions don’t shake us up so much. I savor the stability. I savor the stability of our lives. I savor the emerging stability of my emotions, subject to change, no doubt.

For a few months now I’ve lost my breath at the idea of being thirty. It seemed like I was leaving something behind, like I would mysteriously age and lose vitality. It’s ridiculous, of course, but I think that is the climate of our culture. People idolize their twenties and some resist growing out of them. I want to embrace the way my body has changed. I’ve borne children. I will bear more. While I looked at the thirties with some dread, I am tasting a bit of the freedom that lies ahead. I’m grateful for that. Looking forward to the future.

Walker Art Museum

A Road Map for Turning Wishes into Goals

Goals are the way we can follow the wisdom, “begin with the end in mind” articulated by Stephen Covey, author of 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. A goal is different from a wish. If I say, “I wish I could make a million dollars this year,” I’d be fooling myself. But if I say, “I wish I could have a million dollars in ten years” this might not be altogether impossible.

Implicit in the stated goal is the first quality of a goal. It should have a timeline. Without a magic lamp, wishing for the million dollars means nothing. Wishing for it in x amount of years, now there is something upon which to evaluate the idea.

The second quality that makes a goal a goal is that it is realistic. I could switch jobs, cut back on expenses, save vigorously, invest as I save, and I just might save that million dollars.

Another quality that comes with my wishing for a million, but not always as clear with other goals, is that a goal must be concrete and measurable. Money is easy to measure. It comes with numbers already on it. But if I wish to be athletic or I wish to be happy, that is not so clear. How will I know when I’ve achieved it? I won’t. That’s what makes it a wish and not a goal.

We need to spell out what we want. What does it mean to me to be athletic? I can’t take Colin Kaepernick’s definition of what it means for him to be athletic. Our definitions must be different because of our different ages and states in life. What does it mean to be happy? Wherever you glean this wisdom from, it’ll have to become a belief you believe strongly enough go after it. For example, happiness for me means being wealthy…or being healthy…or giving of myself.

When we spell out our goals, making sure they’re realistic, putting them on a timeline and defining them in a way that is concrete and measurable, then we can make a plan.

The ultimate goal is the long-term goal: to reach a state of athleticism which means I can eat ice cream thrice a week without gaining weight and bike for 50 miles at a time in one year. You’ll have to take word for it that’s its realistic. One year is the time line. The ice cream is not the substance of the goal but an extra reward. Some times we want things like that. But the focus is the thing I can positively work on. I’ve indicated how many miles I want to bike.

In order to make my place I create short-term goals that build up to the long-term goal. What will it take for me to reach this goal? I will need to start riding my bike regularly. How regularly? I will need to start riding my bike four times a week at least. I can look online or talk to a personal trainer to find out what is the best regimen for riding my bike in order to reach my goal. Professionals in their field can help me determine a recommended pace.

But I think, four times? That’s crazy. I don’t have time for that. I have to find a way to make time. This process of identifying objections and obstacles is part of the planning process. Think of every possible obstacle: babysitting, laziness, boredom. Brainstorm ways to overcome obstacles. Babysitting: I could bike in the morning before the kids are up and my husband is home. Laziness: I could plan different routes to keep it interesting. Create your short-term goals based on the information you’ve gathered.

Work gradually towards your goal by using the timeline you’ve already established. If I’m going to bike 50 miles in one year, I want to be able to bike 25 miles in 6 months, 15 miles in 3 months, and so on. If I plan it out, write it out, it will be easier to see what arrangements need to be in place to make it all come together.

Becoming athletic is part of good health and part of personal development. There are other equally important types of goals: those related to professional or educational development. I want to graduate college by the time I’m 22. I want to move up to a supervision role in next three years. Setting goals can keep us focused, interested, making what could have become mundane and routine a challenge to overcome. Life and relationship goals are important as well, although they are more difficult to define. I want to be a good spouse. When? Immediately. It might take longer than that. It will be hard to know. Still that doesn’t mean we can’t keep it in mind by considering what qualities make for a good spouse/friend/parent and decide what we need to do. Perhaps it means cutting back on social media in order to focus more on the family. I can make a plan to do that gradually so I don’t binge when I can’t take stand anymore.

Lastly we come to the idea of the bucket list. The Bucket List is a 2007 film starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman on their road trip with a wish list of things to do before they “kick the bucket.” We can start considering these things now and setting goals to achieve them. If life is a road trip, these are the quirky stops along the way.

So whether your considering what you want your life to look like professionally, personally, relationally or for excitement along the way, make the steps you set down realistic, concrete, and on a timeline. Check your progress along the way. If you haven’t reached a short-term goal by the time you planned, there is time to reevaluate and see what needs to change. It’s part of the process. You have not failed if plans need to adjust.

So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life’s
a Great Balancing Act.

Dr. Seuss

The Great Minimum Wage Debate

Here’s another controversial one: whether or not to raise minimum wage; the existence of minimum wage; the purpose of minimum wage. What do you think? When I write here of conservatives or liberals, I’m referring the general message put out by the respective parties in their media and spokespersons, formally or informally. This is not intended to reflect the view of every person who describes himself or herself as liberal or conservative.

Conservatives say (generally): Minimum wage should not be raised. The work down at minimum wage levels (entry level jobs) do not deserve more pay. Minimum wage is meant for entry level jobs that do not require high skill, with the intent that people would not stay in those positions, but rather be motivated to move up the ladder to higher paying jobs. Higher pay will act as an incentive to do so.

Liberals say (generally): Minimum wage should be raised. Workers in these minimum wage jobs deserve to be able to earn enough money to live on. Minimum wage is meant to guarantee workers a livable wage. It should rise to accommodate those needs.

One wonders what is at the heart of these perspectives. Do conservatives not care for the working man or woman, the single mother, the struggling graduate student? The harshness with which they state the lack of “deserving” entry level workers have for higher pay makes it easy to paint them as heartless (thinking of you, Matt Walsh). Do liberals not care about small business owners with small profit margins who will be crushed by large increases in their operating expenses?

Usually large groups of people have a good intention in mind, rather than a bad intention. Bad intentions are usually housed in the hearts of individuals who then persuade the masses by making the bad intentions seem good, or lying.

I think the primary concerns for conservatives are the impact of a government-mandated changes such as raising minimum wage. For many years Republicans have focused on the cause of the small business owner to the some times neglect of the poor. I think the primary concerns of liberals are the well-being of the poor. But to their detriment, emphasizing this while failing to present a sustainable picture of how to make this aid work for the good of the people and future generations.

There is a problem neither side addresses. Of those paying the minimum wage, we have two different types of business owners: owners of large, publicly traded corporations, called CEO’s, answerable to shareholders. The bottom line is make a profit. It is not enough to maintain a successful business, greater profit must be made, shares much go up, or shareholders grumble. The other is the privately owned, small business owner, answerable to no one but himself or herself. There are variations of each, of course. Two very successful privately held companies, In-N-Out and Hobby Lobby choose to pay their employees above minimum wage which goes against the trend of their business counterparts. One publicly owned company, Costco, chooses to ignore shareholders’ grumbles. The question at largely concerns the first two.

It’s fallen out of style to consider original sin, the existence of greed and that, if external mandates force those individuals with bad intentions to act better, they will find another way to carry out their bad intention. It will not convert them. So I see an article showing us that McDonald’s, in response to rises in the demand for minimum wage, moving towards using digital kiosks for ordering, rather than paid employees. We see the same thing happen when the law makes it illegal for those under 21 or 18 to purchase drugs or alcohol, without having any programs in place to change their hearts or minds. They find other ways.

Some conservatives say, “See! This is what happens.” I don’t hear anyone talking about the wage gap being the issue, those on top making so much money from those on the bottom. Government mandates that change that, though some labor laws have raised “unskilled labor” to the level beyond a slave.

You use a law to create an 8 hour/day, 40/week work limits; you use a law to mandate benefits for those who work full time, defining how many hours per week full time is. Face it, in a free market, you are going to get people who choose to act sinfully, who choose to put their benefit, their shareholders benefit, above the benefit of the average Joe working at the bottom. Less employees will be full time. Or there will be an unwritten rule that rewards those who work off the clock, answering emails, etc, than those who check out when they leave the office; which inadvertently rewards men over women (see the NYTimes article about this gender inequality).

Fairness and caring for employees well-being cannot come from external force without a total take over. So conservatives point fingers and say, “see! that was stupid!” and liberals point fingers and say, “Stricter laws! More regulation!” What about just trying another approach?

Many forget it is Christianity that taught us the humanity of man, that one should not own another. If society continues to pursue a culture where the practice of religion is not publicly welcome, you will just see more sin, more greed, more gimmies. Christianity speaks to what is true about man. It’s not conservative, it’s not liberal, it’s true, as Al Kresta points out. All have dignity. All have worth. One does not need overt religion to promote these values. If we use programs, perhaps government sponsored, to promote civic virtue and family dedication, making the path friendly for small businesses to begin, foster community and community programs, maybe McDonald’s won’t be the only place a teenager or a single mom can get hired. And maybe, in those smaller company jobs, there will be more mobility, there will be more chance for responsibility. Then their work will be worth more.